A band from Asheville, NC
Awesome group, great sound
Underneath the awesomeness it kind of resembles Africa. Look at the shape of it
Ok. All you people know about Valentines day. “Feb 14 yay fucking yay” “happiness and shit” “romantics and shit” yeah yeah yeah we know now shut the fuck up and listen. You guys can get all fucking stoked about your valentines day. But I gotta say Feb 13… WAY. Fuckin. Better.
February 13 Desperation Day
You know all those happy go lucky (I wanna stab you in the dick) couples that won’t shut up about their plans for valentines day?
You know how goddam annoying that shit is?
Yeah I know. I know it’s fucking annoying. I feel ya.
Well I celebrate February 13.
This is the day that all the sad, strange, hopelessly, assorted groups of people desperately searching for someone to be with so they’re not alone on valentines day all come out and o nuts.
You have countless single women throwing their bodies on anything with a penis.
How To Make A Successful 13th:
Now you can approach this a few different ways.
As a man not on the market, and loyal to my girl (no matter how much we fight), I don’t take advantage of this situation. Rather, I find it fun to go to all the places those desperate 13thers go to find a 14ther. You would not believe the shit these people will do to get a fucking date. Oh my damn. Shit gets real. Fast. Hahaha. Just sitting back and watching shit go down makes for a successful 13th.
Now there’s the other way…
Well if you’re like me for the prior 14ths for the past 18 years you know how lonely that day can get. But goddammit we are men. We don’t become a fucking 13ther. We don’t desperately throw ourselves at women. No woman, not even a desperate 13ther wants a man who doesn’t have his shit together.
So before I go further get your goddam big boy pants on.
Now having a successful 13th is not at all a hard task.
1. Suit up, you gotta look classy of you want to get good tail
2. Turn your swag on. Bleed fucking confidence. Having good charisma can get you anything in the world.
3. Plan shit bro. You can’t just walk up to a 13ther and say “baby jump on this dick!” no! Shit. Punch yourself in the dick if you ever think that. That shit’ll get you herpes. Have a date planned (don’t take her to an expensive place you probably wont even remember her name so don’t burn your cash for that) but don’t take her to McDonald’s either you dont wanna be fucking McDouchebag. Women talk. You won’t have another 13th nor will you get sackage that night. Find the median (cash flow discretion)
4. Order for her. Not only will this impress her but you’ll be ordering shit that’s cheap (but she’ll never know) there’s many things on a menu everyone likes so this shouldnt be a big deal.
5. Don’t fuck it up! By now if you managed to pull off 1-4 you’re set. You’re getting some action bro. As long as you don’t FUCK it up. Don’t try and come up with original shit, don’t try to be funny. Just fucking talk, funny shit will naturally arise no worries. Just coast through dinner and you’re vagbound sir
6. Pay the bill cheapass. Naturally since you guys just met shes going to want to pay her way. Don’t be a cheap ass. Pay her damn bill bitch. Besides you ordered her something cheap. You can’t let her find it out. They’re by that stupid.
7. Keep your Shirt-Pocket-Condoms in your shirt. You’ll use those soon. If you don’t have them… What the fuck bro? You can’t approach the 13th without a wrap bro. That’s like a bitchslap to the face. No worries though dumbass there’s a solution, you’ll have to pay for it but if you want in her you’re going to have to pay for your mistakes. Go get gas. Say you’re just going to top it off for work so you’re not low on fuel. Every gas station has wrap machines so there you go.
8. Proceed sir I salute you. Not caution necessary you have your wrap so no worries. The double wrap before the tap is not necessary because that only applies to whores and if you just did all this for a goddam whore imma cut you bitch. I hope you get herpes dumbass.
And that people is desperation day
Goodbye, good night and good luck,
So this is one of those days where people get all stoked about. where people are all “lovey dovey” and shit like that. People go out and get their significant other something special, buy them chocolate, get them carnations. Yada frickin yada.
Well people, believe it or not, this is this 18 years olds first valentines day with a girlfriend. And after 18 long ass years of never having a “valentine” I finally do. And It makes me beg the question…
What the fuck is this?
This is what people get some fucking emotional over?
This is why there’s such thing as desperation day? (feb 13) (I’ll touch on that in a different post)
Why the fuck are people so happy about this day?
This is what it boils down to:
The one day a year where you have to waste a bunch of money for brownie points or possible sack points.
But aside from the point of the holiday. I have some other questions.
Why do we give carnations? Like I know a lot of people do roses which makes sense but schools and shit are always like “get your carnations!” “carnations $1!” “Carnations $4!” (wait wait wait 4 fucking bucks for a fucking plant? Fuck that shit) (that was my high schools flyer btw). People. Carnations are fucking flowers for somber occasions like for funerals and shit. Learn your fucking Latin stems “carn” isn’t a good thing.
And chocolates. Why the fuck chocolates? If I’m going all out for v day and trying to impress my lady and get some sack points I wouldn’t get fucking chocolates. I’m not gonna fat her up. Hell no oh my damn bitch you gettin a salad. Or a mother fucking parfait. You ain’t gettin no Reese’s. Shit. 20 v days from now (that’s 20 years for the underdeveloped minds) she gonna look like a fucking cow. Then you would be getting carnations for her cause when she has a heart attack from all that motet fucking chocolate bitch you getting some steaks. Hell yeah.
Anyways as you can see my first v day ended kind of sour now I’m gonna let my balls drop off and surrender my man card to go text my girl and say I’m sorry even though it’s total bullshit and work everything out.
Fuckin shit. You people know what I’m talking about.